You’ll Never Eat This Lunch In Any Town Again

by CrispyPhoenix


We need to talk. Please have a seat.

I can’t go on like this… doing the same thing over and over again. I just can’t. But I mean, you know how it is… you get into a routine. You figure out what works for you and your schedule and you make it happen.

Until it stops happening.

I opened up my lunch container at work yesterday afternoon and there it was staring back at me. That same old baby lettuces from a bag with beets and chicken and red onion. I slammed the lid back on and tossed it into the dark recesses of the office refrigerator with a light that doesn’t work.

Friends… I simply cannot eat this salad again.

I have been eating this salad every day for the last billion years and I just can’t go one more day eating it.

I’ve gotten to where I look at the clock on my desk at lunch time with hunger and excitement. And then?

Dread… when I remember what I packed for lunch.

But wait! It gets worse.

I think to myself… “Well, I’ll just go downstairs and get something JUST TODAY ONLY to eat. I need something hardier, something warm.” And THAT’S how I find myself at the Greasy Grill on the mezzanine level of my office building where hearts go to die. Most of the time I WILL order a salad with dressing on the side.

But lately?? Nuh-huh. It’s become an excuse to eat oh I don’t know… a BURGER or KUNG PAO CHICKEN… two meals (of several) that sent my stomach into such agony I looked five months pregnant within 10 minutes of the last bite.

I have a lot of food maladies. I’m allergic to a couple of commonly known healthy things like spinach and avocados which are on EVERYTHING in California. Avocados here are like cheese in Texas. It’s freaking everywhere. Congratulations! Here’s your new car… smothered in mouthwatering melted cheddar.

I have a multitude of food sensitivities, too, and many of them to healthy foods like dark green veggies. AND get this, I can’t eat SUGAR either and MUST eat red meat to stave off the non-diabetic hypoglycemia.

Just shoot me now.

Now… before you get all in a huff and tell me that’s ridiculous and then irritatedly ask “What CAN you eat?” I will tell you first, I have the blood tests that identified the problems and B) I will answer you with “Nothing good” or “I still don’t know” or “Ugh” followed by a long sigh and a secret desire to shove my face in a bag of Oreos.

Remember when you were young and you could eat oily burgers and fries loaded with a buffet of condiments from a fast food joint in the middle of the night and wake up a few hours later with a fresh appetite? Oh and you were 125 soaking wet? Oh and you thought you were fat? I know. I KNOW.

Sometimes I feel like driving by the line at In and Out Burger and flipping everyone off. That wouldn’t look weird at all.

Anyways… I guess I’ll be researching new lunches tonight in my many specialized cookbooks and the diet plan given to me by my nutritionist while watching White Collar on Netflix. And THAT my friends is how you burn up a Saturday night when you’re old.

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